Life in the Crone Lane

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about relationships, and friendships. Since my marriage fell apart, and after a decades-long friendship died a slow and painful death a few years ago, it gives me pause. Am I being the best friend I can be? Am I doing my part in building or destroying these relationships?

I found online a list of six signs of a healthy relationship from http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/life/6-signs-youre-in-a-healthy-relationship-1096749/. I think that, while not every relationship is toxic, and not every relationship failure is your fault, we as human beings have to step back and assess from time to time whether or not we are holding up our end of the relationship bargain. Conversely, if we run through this assessment and feel that we are fine, we can ask ourselves if our relationship partner (spouse, friend, co-worker, etc.) is possibly being toxic to us.

Here are the six signs:

1. Loyalty
2. Respect
3. Unconditionally “there.”
4. Trustworthy
5. A genuine sounding board
6. Dependability

I can already tell you that several of my relationships don’t meet these criteria on several levels, both on my end and my friend’s end. And while I can’t do anything about other people’s behavior in a relationship, I certainly can take a look in the mirror and work on being a better friend/partner/co-worker.
What traits do you look for in a friend or partner? Are your relationships healthy?

I just wanted to clarify that I didn't mean that everyone in SL is some kind of fetishist or sex maniac, although a lot of people do go there for that. I was just trying to point out that you can find something for everyone. But most people really go into SL looking for some companionship, love, and appreciation that they don't necessarily get in RL. I am single and don't have a current partner; I have made lots of friends on SL. And I pursue "normal" hobbies and lifestyle in SL. I rent some land, on which I've rezzed a house and furniture. I "live" there with my SL fiance, and it is a corner lot on the beach with a sunset view, something I could never afford in RL. We don't do anything "weird" in SL... we hang out at home, we go dancing at various clubs, we go dancing at formal dance places, we shop, we meet up with friends, we hang out.

Just didn't want anyone thinking that SL was all a bunch of amoral deviants. Although there are plenty of those there, as well, just like RL. :)

I haven't mentioned it much yet, but I play an online game called Second Life. For those of you that have never heard of it, it is a MMORPG (multi media online role playing game) but it is more social in nature and not necessarily combat, although you can find combat roleplay on Second Life, which is known by residents as "SL." In fact, you can find just about anything on SL, from roleplaying Master/slave and Dom(me)/sub, to combat, to capture, to medieval times, to Star Trek, to orgies to hanging out in clubs and dancing, and even attending formal clubs in ballgowns and tuxes. You can live out your fantasy life by being a stripper, an escort or simply experience multiple partners like you'd never dare to in real life (also known as RL).

People on SL create avatars and they have a first name and a last name, chosen by the user. Creating things in SL, even the avatars, is called "rezzing" and you frequently see people celebrating their "rezz day" -- or the anniversary of the first day they "rezzed" their avatar on the grid. You can actually "live" on grid by renting land and rezzing a house, furniture, etc. You can even rent a house already on land, furnished or unfurnished. There is an entire economy on SL, funded by the currency called Lindens. You purchase about $250 Lindens for approximately $1. There are a multitude of shops and vendors in SL where you can buy just about anything your heart desires and if it is not there, you can find a creator to make one for you. You can buy a boatload of skins, hair, eyes, shapes, clothes, and shoes for your avatar (also called av or avi). Most avatars are unrealisticly tall, slender, and beautiful, also eternally young. Every once in awhile, you will encounter someone who has made their avatar a more realistic size and shape, some are downright fat, some are old looking, as their user has made their appearance mirror what they are like in RL. You more often see these on the fetish sites. But most people come into SL to get away from RL, to live out a fantasy, making their avatars beautiful, sexy and young. I have been in SL for 1 years and 9 months now, my 2 year rezz day will be in November.

I got into SL to get away from a difficult, contentious and empty marriage, to find the love and fulfillment I was lacking in RL. I have met a number of wonderful people and made some lasting friendships. I have also been used and abused by people behind the avatars whose sole intention of being in SL is entirely selfish, and self-centered, behaving in ways that gets them what they want without caring about the consequences to the person behind the avatar. I realize this happens in RL as well, but somehow it seems that, due to the anonymity of the medium, people don't have the same compunction to treat people decently. Either that, or the types of people that SL attracts more often than not are those who are dysfunctional on a very deep level. Some people forget or don't care that there is a real person behind the avatar, with real feelings and emotions, and they use and abuse by swooping in, using you, making promises, telling you what you want to hear, then swooping out again and moving on to the next victim person.

At any rate, I could go on and on about the drama in SL, the psychology behind SL and why it is so wildly successful and causes such widespread happiness and heartbreak. I have had several relationships on SL, yes virtual relationships having pixelated sex with my b/fs. People even partner and marry on SL, and do so with regular frequency, some partnering and unpartnering at a speed and multitude that would leave Liz Taylor breathless. Relationships are rapidly accelerated on SL, most "marriages" lasting maybe 4 or 5 months until moving on to the next one, etc. Infidelity is proliferate on SL, which causes many if not most of the breakups. People can and do create multiple avatars (called "alts") and get online under their alts and cheat on their SL spouses when things get a bit dull and routine.

On the other hand, I have seen people partner and marry on SL for a number of years, committed to each other as they would be in RL, some even moving from SL to RL relationships. Some people discover real life love while being married to someone else in RL and leaving their spouses for the SL love that spilled over into RL. Does SL cause divorces? Yes probably, but it's not SL that causes them; it is simply the vehicle that offered the opportunity. Believe me, SL shouldn't be "blamed" for the breakup of marriages; truly the person wouldn't have been on SL in the first place if things were fine, and if it wasn't SL it would have been some other catalyst that would have broken up the marriage. It's always interesting to me how people want to blame the medium as the cause rather than looking at the underlying seeds of discontent that were already in the marraige, and that SL is simply there, it's what people do in SL that causes these things, not SL itself.

But I digress....

As I said, I have had several relationships on SL -- four to be exact. I married and partnered once, then had two boyfriends after that, neither of whom wanted to partner or marry, although the third one "proposed" but didn't really mean it (but that's an entirely different post). I am very good friends with my ex-partner and my 2nd b/f, my third b/f I have no respect for (again, that's a long story). My fourth (and current) relationship is a keeper.

I met this man not too long after I rezzed in November of 2008. We became friends, had some long, intense conversations, but we were both so new that we were more interested in sampling the variety of things in SL, and we were unaware of the SL "partnering" type of relationship. We stayed friends over the last 20 months, always saying "someday when we're both single . . . " and it never happened...until now. My 3rd b/f cheated on me and treated me shabbily, and I moved out of our house and tried to pull together the pieces of my shattered heart in May of this year. My current relationship (I'll call him FF)was in a relationship with someone else at the time. Then, in June, after finally crawling out of the deep emotional pit that I'd been thrown into after being lied to and deceived at the deepest levels of trust, FF's relationship broke up, and I consoled him, telling him that from personal experience, it would get better.

And we connected.

On a deep, personal level we connected. We've been good friends all this time, although we hadn't "seen" each other in SL for well over a year, we frequently chatted in IM and kept in touch that way. He lives in another state, two time zones away, and we "see" each other in SL every day, and frequently chat via Skype. Yes, our relationship has spilled over into RL. Will it ever become a RL offline relationship? Hard to say, since he is a couple thousand miles away. One of us would have to make a serious change. But we connect at the deepest levels of our soul. I know; you naysayers are all saying "Whatever! How ridiculous to think a relationship would come out of a stupid game like SL!"

Believe me, serious gamers (like people who play WoW) scoff at SL as being a joke, and not something to be taken seriously. When I bought my laptop, and told the salesman at Best Buy that I wanted a laptop for gaming, the infant young man that helped me said, "Oh what game do you play?"

I had the grace to look embarrassed. "Second Life" I mumbled.

He snickered. SNICKERED! He smirked at me and condescendingly helped me buy a laptop that fit my needs.

I heard BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA follow me out the door as he and his co-workers laughed at the pathetic middle aged woman trying to get her jollies on Second Life.

Oh well. Who the hell cares; I love it.

So. Anyway. Back to me and FF my SL love. Well we moved in together in SL in July, and last weekend he proposed to me, and we will marry in SL in September. Now I am enjoying the frenzy of wedding planning in SL (involving flowers, photographers, venue, DJs, dancing and all the assorted folderol associated with weddings. And I'm loving it.

I'll post pics as things progress.

I saw this video I got of Melissa at Fat Gold Watch's son on her blog. This is a woman who struggles with single parenthood (something I am all too familiar with) and being treated abominably by her ex in a open and honest way. I can identify with her struggles and long to give her the self-confidence she so needs and deserves. She posted this video of her son swiffering her hardwood floor and rocking out to Lady Gaga. He even gives the camera a little booty flash!

Adorable! Check it out:

Last week was a really crazy, busy week at work. I'd had the previous week off work for vacation and I was a total slug lazy bum the whole week. I didn't plan anything in particular that week except, well, basically whatever I wanted. I stayed up late (because I am a night owl), I slept in, I swam, I napped, I played in Second Life.

Of course that meant getting up to go to work on Monday was a real bitch. And I came back to insanity of course. One of the difficulties of being in management is the buck stops on your desk. There is only one desk higher than mine and that is the CEO. But thankfully the week is over and I am sitting here on a beautiful Saturday morning enjoying the peace and quiet here.

I left a difficult marriage in March and moved into this wonderful 1 bedroom apartment and am living alone for the first time in my life. My kids are grown and living on their own. Not too successfully sometimes but they at least are not living under my roof. There is a reason, you see, I chose a 1-bedroom apartment! It's really small but I love it. It's just enough for me.

In the few months since I've been separated from my husband we've gotten the papers filed and signed and now we just wait for the 6-month waiting period to be over and we will be divorced. California has a long waiting period for divorces, and I didn't realize that other states don't have the same. Most other states you are divorced within 30 days of reaching an agreement. I guess it's the "reaching the agreement" part that can take some time. However, my soon-to-be ex's and my divorce was really simple. We had nothing to divide and no children to worry about. We'd been married six years and for a variety of reasons, I had to get out. He had become increasingly verbally abusive, moody and difficult to live with. And for my own mental health I had to get out.

You know what is really interesting is the history behind the apartment we used to live in. I don't know if you believe in such things, but I do believe there was a ghostly presence of some kind that was in the 2nd bedroom. Now, before you navigate away from this page in disgust let me tell you the story.

My ex had the second bedroom as his "den"...he had his computer in there, etc. and would spend quite a bit of time in there. He had issues already with depression and anxiety and was on meds for them. We certainly were already teetering on the edge of something because his unpredictable behavior (moodiness, etc) was already a problem. But when we moved into that apartment, just about a year before I finally had to leave, he would be in a good mood when I got home from work and then after dinner he would go into his "den" and spend two or three hours (yes by then we weren't spending much time together but that's another post). After spending a couple hours in there, he would come out loaded for bear. He would be snappy, growly, critical, mean, and just downright nasty. It was like living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. It was awful.

Well get this. Recently my oldest son began dating a woman that he's been friends with for several years. She and one of his other friends used to be married and they would all hang out together. Well, now that they are dating, my son's girlfriend and I have become good friends (p.s. I hope he marries her; she's wonderful!). One day they came over and helped me move a bunch of boxes into a storage unit I rented, and afterward I took them out to lunch. At lunch, we were discussing various things, and the subject came up of the apartment we used to live in. Turns out that she and her ex husband had lived in that very same apartment! She said that she felt there was something scary and evil in that room, and that a roommate they had that lived in that room became strange after living in there. After they kicked her out for her behavior, they made that second bedroom their music room, and her husband started hanging out in there and HE started getting strange, to the point where they finally separated and she had to get out. She said that his behavior was increasingly strange and she couldn't take it anymore.

One of her girlfriends and she were in that room one day, she said, and they felt something not right in there. They shouted "show yourself!" to the entity and she said they felt a cold rush of air and they ran out of the room. Makes me shiver thinking about it, and the hair is standing up on my arms.

Now, how weird is that?!? I would love to know the history of that apartment. I have to wonder if it turns over a lot, and if people who live there have relationship problems. It's just too strange and too coincidental. I mean, I have a feeling that my ex and I would have split anyway, but he got way worse after we moved in there. He was broody, moody, and impossible to live with. Not that I was so perfect, but you know what I mean. I didn't hang out in that room at all. I never liked being in there; it always gave me the creeps.

So hopefully you don't think I've lost my mind. Just a little piece of interesting information. :)

One of the things I've struggled with over the years is my weight. As a child and young adult, I never had to worry about such things. I could eat pretty much whatever I wanted to and I never gained weight. Everyone kept telling me that I should develop good eating habits, because eventually that would change as I grew older, had children, etc.

I didn't listen. I was young; I thought I'd be that way forever. Just like everything else, that was something to think about when I got "old" ... you know, like 35 or 40 or something! Wow...who could ever imagine! Artlessly, I ate my way through my teen and young adult years.

Then I had my first baby at age 25. Second child at age 29. Then I hit 30. Then 40. Then *gulp* 50. Slowly over the years (more quickly over the past five years or so) the weight crept on. Then I'd diet some and get it down. And life happened. Divorce. Single. Remarried. Divorce again. Single. Remarried again. Divorce again and not giving a flying crap what I looked like because I was NEVER EVER EVER GOING TO DATE AGAIN, LET ALONE GET MARRIED!!

Now, I have an extra 120 lbs. on my frame. I do have a large frame and am tall. But still... 120 lbs. That's like another small person. Ever since I turned 50 and hit menopause, the weight is settling around my waist and belly. My thighs... OMG my thighs and ass. Let's not even go there. My arms are like bat wings flapping in the breeze. I've not worn a sleeveless top in public in ... oh... 15 years. Swimsuits have become swim dresses in a lame attempt to hide my midlife spread. When I sit down my stomach pooches out and I get odd looks from people who can't decide if I am fat or pregnant...and at my obvious age they can't imagine that I am pregnant. The rolls of fat around my waist, back and sides have become a horrible embarrassment to me.

I had an ah-ha moment the other day. I have self-diagnosed myself as having body dysmorphic disorder, usually associated with anorexia or bulimia, where the person doesn't see themselves in the mirror as skinny, they see themselves as fat, and thus keep dieting down to unhealthy weight levels. For me, it's the opposite. For years I would look in the mirror and not see a fat person. A little overweight maybe, but I never saw myself as "fat." Then I would see photographs of myself next to other people and think, "Wow that 10 lbs the camera put on me sure looks like a lot!" I fooled myself into thinking that my weight issues weren't really "that bad" despite what the scale says.

Well.

I went to a store the other day and tried on clothes. The size made me cringe, but I tried them on because the store was having a sale. I got into the dressing room and tried on one of the outfits. I looked in the mirror. The scales fell away from my eyes and I saw myself....really SAW myself...for the first time.

Dear God. I am fat.

Not plump, not "overweight"... but obese. Not morbidly obese, according to the weight charts, but teetering on the edge. I can no longer comfortably fit into airplane seats and forget going on rides at amusement parks. I was horrified.

I quickly re-dressed and exited the dressing room as quickly as I could, shoving the hangers of clothing at the attendant, and shaking my head mutely when she asked if anything worked. I left the store before the tears began to fall. I sat in my car and cried like a baby. I am fat!

The unintentionally cruel things that thin people say who have never had a weight problem include the classic, "Well, just don't eat so much!"

Oh, if it were only that easy. People who have never had a weight problem don't understand what it's like to struggle to not eat. Food has been my crutch that I've used for many, many years. My parents used food as a reward. Cookies, cupcakes, dining out, an ice cream cone were all rewards and celebrations of acomplishments, and offered as comfort when something upsetting happened. We'd go out for sundaes after a music concert, or to celebrate a good grade. Dessert was withheld when we were "bad." I shaped my food choices around my behavior and carried that into adulthood. When I wanted to feel good about myself, to get those warm fuzzy "I am worthy" feelings, I'd shovel in cake, cookies, ice cream (ohhhhhhh ice cream is my all time favorite thing), fast food burgers and fries, potato chips. Nearly every food I like is bad for me. The fruits I like are "higher calories" like grapes. The vegetables I like are starchy, like corn.

When I look at the food lists for diets, I nearly start crying. I like very few of the foods on them. They say that my palate will change as I begin to eat right. I don't WANT it to change. I HATE those foods I think to myself. Even weight watchers, which says that you can have any food you want, just don't go above your point count. Well, the point counts for the foods I like are very high, and I am out of points by lunch time. So, on weight watchers if you don't want to go hungry make wiser food choices. And now we're full circle back to the list of foods I don't like.

*sighs*.

I get anxious when I think about giving up my favorite foods. How will I comfort myself? I think. How will I make myself feel better when I'm down, to bring back those "I am worthy" feelings? How do I prop up my weak self-esteem if I can't eat those unworthy feelings away?

But I have got to do something. Even if I never ever date again or get married again, I can't be this fat. It's embarrassing. I hate it. My normal size is a 14 and my normal weight is 170. Yes I am that tall and my doctor says that would be a perfectly acceptable weight for me. Now that I am pushing that 300 lb mark (my fingers tremble as I type that figure) I am going to end up a stroke victim or a heart attack victim or...worse case scenario...dead before my time.

The thought of the changes I am going to have to make and the foods I will have to give up just about make me sick. I have to change the unhealthy relationship I have with food. I don't want to be this fat anymore. I also fear the changes that I have to make to make it happen.

It is NOT as simple as "just don't eat so much." Anyone who has struggled with food knows this. The billion-dollar weight loss industry knows this. I just wish there were a magic pill that would melt my fat away. By tomorrow.

Wish me luck. :)

It is true that communication between the genders is difficult at best, and impossible at worst. I have read that the whole Mars/Venus thing happens because, essentially, men and women speak so differently they might as well be speaking different languages, as if they were from different planets. This has to do with the fact that women like and need information, and think that men like and need that, too when, in fact, he may be just asking a simple question and wanting a simple answer. Women assume that men are looking for more information (because it is what THEY would want) and give two paragraph answers to what should have been a one-word answer. There is a factoid that states women can speak 20,000 to 24,000 words a day versus a man's top end of 7,000 to 10,000.

No wonder!

This came home very clearly to me the other day, as I was "speaking" (i.e. typing) to a friend online in instant message (IM) the other day. I didn't even realize what had happened until the exchange occurred, and then because it was in written form and I reread it that I realized exactly what I had done. I laughed and laughed about it. It was a classic example of a man asking for a specific piece of information and I assumed that I knew what he REALLY was asking and gave him tons of other detail that probably made his eyes cross in frustration. I eventually answered his question, but he had to wade through a bunch of other information that he hadn't even asked for!

Here's the background: He and I had been talking about setting up a time to chat online, as he is two hours ahead of me. We discussed chatting for a few minutes before I leave for work in the mornings, because I often log onto the computer for a bit before work. I usually log onto the computer after my shower but before I complete my hair and make up, so when he asked this question, in typical Venus fashion, I thought I knew what he was asking.

Him: "What time do you usually log on?"

Me: "Oh, anywhere between 6:30 and 6:45, depending how long it takes me to get my ass out of bed. LOL"

Him: "What time do you leave for work?"

Me: (assuming that he was trying to decide how long we had to chat in the mornings): "Well, the alarm goes off about 6am and then I get up and shower. Sometimes I hit the snooze and I don't actually get out of bed until 6:10 or so. Then after I shower, I grab something to eat and watch the news. So this is why it is sometimes between 6:30 and 6:45 when I actually get online. But I also have to leave time to do my hair and make up, so I generally need to get off the computer around 7:15 or so in order to leave enough time to do that before I have to leave."

**a few moments of puzzled silence ensues.**

(laughing my ass off as I realize what I've done, begin to type the following message to him):

Me: "Oh and I usually leave for work around 7:30, unless I am running late, and in that case I am out the door no later than 7:40.....

At this point I read what I have typed AGAIN and, laughing harder, I deleted the above IM before I sent it and typed:

Me: "I leave for work no later than 7:40am."

His relief was almost palpable. Here he'd asked a simple question: "What time do you leave for work?" and I gave him my whole morning routine, thinking that I knew what he REALLY wanted to know.

But what he really wanted to know? What he, deep down, really and truly wanted to know?

He wanted to know what time I left for work. It really was that simple.

I got the biggest kick out of that, and it drove home what the experts have been saying for years. I will now try to understand that men generally want the answer to their question, not the four paragraph dissertation. And I try to answer simply what they ask. No more, no less. If he wanted to know more, he would have asked.