Life in the Crone Lane

One of the things I've struggled with over the years is my weight. As a child and young adult, I never had to worry about such things. I could eat pretty much whatever I wanted to and I never gained weight. Everyone kept telling me that I should develop good eating habits, because eventually that would change as I grew older, had children, etc.

I didn't listen. I was young; I thought I'd be that way forever. Just like everything else, that was something to think about when I got "old" ... you know, like 35 or 40 or something! Wow...who could ever imagine! Artlessly, I ate my way through my teen and young adult years.

Then I had my first baby at age 25. Second child at age 29. Then I hit 30. Then 40. Then *gulp* 50. Slowly over the years (more quickly over the past five years or so) the weight crept on. Then I'd diet some and get it down. And life happened. Divorce. Single. Remarried. Divorce again. Single. Remarried again. Divorce again and not giving a flying crap what I looked like because I was NEVER EVER EVER GOING TO DATE AGAIN, LET ALONE GET MARRIED!!

Now, I have an extra 120 lbs. on my frame. I do have a large frame and am tall. But still... 120 lbs. That's like another small person. Ever since I turned 50 and hit menopause, the weight is settling around my waist and belly. My thighs... OMG my thighs and ass. Let's not even go there. My arms are like bat wings flapping in the breeze. I've not worn a sleeveless top in public in ... oh... 15 years. Swimsuits have become swim dresses in a lame attempt to hide my midlife spread. When I sit down my stomach pooches out and I get odd looks from people who can't decide if I am fat or pregnant...and at my obvious age they can't imagine that I am pregnant. The rolls of fat around my waist, back and sides have become a horrible embarrassment to me.

I had an ah-ha moment the other day. I have self-diagnosed myself as having body dysmorphic disorder, usually associated with anorexia or bulimia, where the person doesn't see themselves in the mirror as skinny, they see themselves as fat, and thus keep dieting down to unhealthy weight levels. For me, it's the opposite. For years I would look in the mirror and not see a fat person. A little overweight maybe, but I never saw myself as "fat." Then I would see photographs of myself next to other people and think, "Wow that 10 lbs the camera put on me sure looks like a lot!" I fooled myself into thinking that my weight issues weren't really "that bad" despite what the scale says.

Well.

I went to a store the other day and tried on clothes. The size made me cringe, but I tried them on because the store was having a sale. I got into the dressing room and tried on one of the outfits. I looked in the mirror. The scales fell away from my eyes and I saw myself....really SAW myself...for the first time.

Dear God. I am fat.

Not plump, not "overweight"... but obese. Not morbidly obese, according to the weight charts, but teetering on the edge. I can no longer comfortably fit into airplane seats and forget going on rides at amusement parks. I was horrified.

I quickly re-dressed and exited the dressing room as quickly as I could, shoving the hangers of clothing at the attendant, and shaking my head mutely when she asked if anything worked. I left the store before the tears began to fall. I sat in my car and cried like a baby. I am fat!

The unintentionally cruel things that thin people say who have never had a weight problem include the classic, "Well, just don't eat so much!"

Oh, if it were only that easy. People who have never had a weight problem don't understand what it's like to struggle to not eat. Food has been my crutch that I've used for many, many years. My parents used food as a reward. Cookies, cupcakes, dining out, an ice cream cone were all rewards and celebrations of acomplishments, and offered as comfort when something upsetting happened. We'd go out for sundaes after a music concert, or to celebrate a good grade. Dessert was withheld when we were "bad." I shaped my food choices around my behavior and carried that into adulthood. When I wanted to feel good about myself, to get those warm fuzzy "I am worthy" feelings, I'd shovel in cake, cookies, ice cream (ohhhhhhh ice cream is my all time favorite thing), fast food burgers and fries, potato chips. Nearly every food I like is bad for me. The fruits I like are "higher calories" like grapes. The vegetables I like are starchy, like corn.

When I look at the food lists for diets, I nearly start crying. I like very few of the foods on them. They say that my palate will change as I begin to eat right. I don't WANT it to change. I HATE those foods I think to myself. Even weight watchers, which says that you can have any food you want, just don't go above your point count. Well, the point counts for the foods I like are very high, and I am out of points by lunch time. So, on weight watchers if you don't want to go hungry make wiser food choices. And now we're full circle back to the list of foods I don't like.

*sighs*.

I get anxious when I think about giving up my favorite foods. How will I comfort myself? I think. How will I make myself feel better when I'm down, to bring back those "I am worthy" feelings? How do I prop up my weak self-esteem if I can't eat those unworthy feelings away?

But I have got to do something. Even if I never ever date again or get married again, I can't be this fat. It's embarrassing. I hate it. My normal size is a 14 and my normal weight is 170. Yes I am that tall and my doctor says that would be a perfectly acceptable weight for me. Now that I am pushing that 300 lb mark (my fingers tremble as I type that figure) I am going to end up a stroke victim or a heart attack victim or...worse case scenario...dead before my time.

The thought of the changes I am going to have to make and the foods I will have to give up just about make me sick. I have to change the unhealthy relationship I have with food. I don't want to be this fat anymore. I also fear the changes that I have to make to make it happen.

It is NOT as simple as "just don't eat so much." Anyone who has struggled with food knows this. The billion-dollar weight loss industry knows this. I just wish there were a magic pill that would melt my fat away. By tomorrow.

Wish me luck. :)